People talk. It’s part of human life, and God made it that way. God directed humankind in the second creation narrative in Genesis to name dogs and cats and rocks and trees. When God made us He made language.
But why should we speak? What are we after in our talk?
We certainly live in a world full of words. A while back marketing pundits estimated that the average American is inundated with 4000-10000 advertisements each day! Media— radio, tv, music, social platforms, grocery store speakers, and now even gas pumps!— are constantly filling our lives with words. It seems everybody is talking.
And each speaker portrays her or his words as the most important you’re likely to hear that day. We think our words are right, significant, necessary even! Ads are insistent: this pillow or TV or videogame or shirt or set of tires is something you’ve got to have! And of course we all know and just love the self-proclaimed rectitude of all politicians; whoever is making a speech—they and they alone speak the truth!
Of course sometimes we talk just to convey information: “I’ll get some milk on the way home,” or “church will meet at 10AM,” or “you can sign up for my blogs by email here,” or “they say it might finally rain tomorrow.” And sometimes we say things just to be sociable or “make conversation.” Once in a while we get all stirred up and say things to ventilate, get things off our chest, express an opinion followed by the familiar “just sayin.’” And that’s ok, occasionally.
Our talk is often self-expression. It can be helpful to think out loud in order to figure out exactly what we do think or feel or believe. I will sometimes talk to myself with God or our dogs, which is at times kinda funny; Calder, my wife, will walk in while I’m carrying on about something and ask who Im talking to! I’ll laugh and say, “God, do you mind?!” Certainly building healthy close relationships calls for well crafted but honest self-expression. And as a therapist I know it usually takes a lot of talk before someone expresses what they most need to say. Jesus says, “…it is out of the heart that the mouth speaks” (Lk 6:45), indicating that its better to be silent than speak out of an evil heart. The message is clear that if our words are to be healthy our heart must be healthy as well.
The Bible calls for our hearts to be transformed that our words may be worthwhile. The Epistle to the Romans asks us to respond to God’s mercies through transformed thinking that results in heathy behavior and conversation (Rom 12:1,2). Proverbs speaks of wisdom as the quality that attends a heathy heart and so healthy words. (Prov 1,8, 14). The Epistle of James admonishes: “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak…” (Jas 1:19). Then Paul goes on to say that we should speak only what is uplifting, words that “…give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29).
So what are we after when we speak? Why speak at all?
These questions became personal to me since retiring from parish ministry. I have wanted to continue to do ministry; it is, after all, who I am not just what I do. And so I’ve increased visits with folks, spiritual direction/companionship (under sdicompanions.org), and, as you see from what you’re reading, writing. And I am known as someone who can talk all day about anything from dog training to west Texas sunsets to … well, as many of you know, I’m a talker. So what am I really after when I talk, besides socialization and relational connection? What are we after when we talk?
A couple of principles have emerged for me and may be useful to some of you:
First, it’s worth speaking love. Not as a gooshy, romantic thing, though spouses and friends need to hear they’re loved, as I said in the recent blog Do they know? The primary love of which the Bible speaks is active, has muscle, and seeks to meet the real needs of the beloved. Love Does, as we are so eloquently reminded by Bob Goff in his book by that title. Love is life giving, uplifting, nurtures the lives of those to whom we speak. Even when love needs to get tough, seeking justice as well as affirmation, love for others joins God’s work of loving humankind, indeed all creatures great and small, into life. And that love, that labor under Jesus’ yoke of life-giving, is the heart of our becoming co-laborers with God (1 Cor 3:9). That love is worth speaking. Why is love worth speaking? As Fr Henri Nouwen says, “Being the beloved expresses the core truth of our existence” (Life of the Beloved.)
Second, it’s worth sharing our experience, strength, and hope, as Alcoholics Anonymous encourages. The Bible calls that witness (Acts 1:8). People need to hear not only what we think because we’ve read the Bible or done psych research or have strong opinions. People need to know, to hear what we have seen and heard and touched and experienced of the Word of Life, of Jesus and His love (1 Jn 1:1-3). They don’t need to hear that we’re right or logical or that we can prove other folks are wrong and bad; they need to hear our story. For as Frederick Buechner says, “The story of any one of us is in some measure the story of us all” (The Sacred Story.)
What difference could wise, well crafted words make in our lives? What if we asked whether our words would be life-giving, loving, would share our story in a way that would help someone else write the rest of their story? Perhaps it could be a new version of grandma’s admonition: “If you haven’t got anything loving or life-giving to say, why speak at all?”